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"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." -- Woody Allen
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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best." -- Woody Allen
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"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided
you get between the right man and the right woman." -- Woody Allen
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"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when
I visited the Statue of Liberty." -- Woody Allen
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"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty interesting questions." -- Woody Allen
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"I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own."
-- Woody Allen
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"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep." -- Woody Allen
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"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when
it happens." -- Woody Allen
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"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans."
-- Woody Allen
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"Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be
fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words." -- Woody Allen
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"And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into
action immediately: they rent out my room." -- Woody Allen
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"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." -- Woody Allen
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"Take the money and run." -- Woody Allen
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"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." -- Woody Allen
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"My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school
for mentally disturbed teachers." -- Woody Allen
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"I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers." -- Woody Allen
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"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so
hard to find your way around Chinatown." -- Woody Allen
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This
is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never
remember where they have left things." -- Woody Allen
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"94.5% of all statistics are made up." -- Woody Allen
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"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet." -- Woody Allen
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"Why ruin a good story with the truth?" -- Woody Allen
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"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his
deathbed, sold me this watch." -- Woody Allen
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"I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to
make a board game out of it." -- Woody Allen
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"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats." -- Woody Allen
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"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the
judge signed the divorce papers." -- Woody Allen
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"Eternity is really long, especially near the end." -- Woody Allen
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"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." -- Woody Allen
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"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under
5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
-- Woody Allen
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"It makes up for the strip search." -- Woody Allenn on receiving
a standing ovation at the 2002 Oscars
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"When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their
Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile."
-- Woody Allen at the 2002 Oscars
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