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"If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men." -- Al Bundy
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"Son, let me tell you something about sharing. Don't do it. It can only come
to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of that."
-- Al Bundy
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"Son, let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country
mile of a marriage chapel." -- Al Bundy
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"A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy till she becomes your wife!"
-- Al Bundy
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"We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine."
-- Al Bundy
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"Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?"
-- Al Bundy
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"This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week."
-- Al Bundy
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"Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?" -- Al Bundy
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"I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women." -- Al Bundy
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"I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?" -- Al Bundy
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"Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it." -- Al Bundy
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"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to."
-- Al Bundy
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"Love is not only blind but stupid." -- Al Bundy
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"Computers and women are ruining the country." -- Al Bundy
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"Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell." -- Al Bundy
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"I was driving home... God knows why?" -- Al Bundy
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"Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my
life." -- Al Bundy
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"Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife!" -- Al Bundy
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"I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I
welcome the darkness." -- Al Bundy
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"Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly
earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?" -- Al Bundy
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"I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work."
-- Al Bundy
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"I love you, Peg... Just kidding!" -- Al Bundy
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"Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials."
-- Al Bundy
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"Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me." -- Al Bundy
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"The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans."
-- Al Bundy
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"Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you."
-- Al Bundy
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"Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?" -- Al Bundy
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"I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home." -- Al Bundy
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"You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail-man's eyes." -- Al Bundy
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"I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare."
-- Al Bundy
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"I deserve to be punished, I married Peg." -- Al Bundy
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"Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?" -- Al Bundy
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"If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done." -- Al Bundy
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"Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me." -- Al Bundy
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"Home sweet hell." -- Al Bundy
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"If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife." -- Al Bundy
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"Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home." -- Al Bundy
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"Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for."
-- Al Bundy
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"The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet." -- Al Bundy
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"Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me
open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me
get a second job." -- Al Bundy
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"Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on
those shoes..." -- Al Bundy
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"I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married." -- Al Bundy
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"Sex gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman."
-- Al Bundy
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"Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today." -- Al Bundy
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"Thank god she can't eat me!" -- Al Bundy
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"Insurance is like marriage: you pay and pay but you never get anything back."
-- Al Bundy
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"If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me."
-- Al Bundy
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"It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world
know?" -- Al Bundy
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"I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date."
-- Al Bundy
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"We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right."
-- Al Bundy
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"Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before
she thinks of sex." -- Al Bundy
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